Falling For Fear

Introduction

The story that follows is fictional. The main character, Liz illustrates how people who have suffered mental illness or distress caused by problems like depression, use of drugs, foster homes and homelessness hide themselves under a hard protective veneer like a tortoise with it’s shell.

It is extremely difficult to detect this affliction because we cannot know what someone is thinking and going through unless they expose those feelings verbally. Unless that happens how someone behaves may provide some clues as to what is happening. There is a website called “Time to Change” and their mission is to “End mental health discrimination. It’s hard enough to experience mental health problems, without having to face the judgement, shame and isolation that often surrounds them.”

These quotes from this site offer solutions to help with these issues

“Stigma is powerless ash at my feet: How speaking out has transformed me.”

“It’s hard to tell if a person is depressed unless they break down in front of you or manage to tell you themselves. Depression doesn’t leave scars, not always. And it’s hard to say how bad it is if you can’t see the wound.”

The Story

Liz jumped when her cell phone rang.

“Liz this is Eric” the voice on the other side said.

It took Liz a few moments to focus. “Eric?”

A brief silence followed the question. Memories tumbled back into Liz’s mind of the Eric she knew, the handsome gregarious Eric who attracted her, deep down somewhere in her being.

Eric broke the pause saying, “Sorry. Is this a good time? I didn’t mean to surprise you like this.”

“No. No. Now is good. Hang on a sec just let me turn the music down. There that’s better. The scar on her left wrist began to itch. She rubbed it gently on her thigh. She had finished the special healing lotion the clinic had given her some time ago.

Liz had quickly recovered from her surprise at hearing Eric’s voice again.

“How you doing Liz?

“I’ve had my own shit to deal with” she thought.

Avoiding these thoughts Liz carried on “I guess the worst thing was loosing my job a few weeks ago. It left me empty. I did’t see it coming”

This time Eric could feel the emotion expressed in her words.

“Jee I’m sorry to hear that.” He remembered that Liz was in fashion design or something like that. She appeared to be independent, attractive and took no nonsense from anyone. This was his impression of her and his reason for calling.

“Liz my long time friend Boris is married to a super girl, Nadia and he is hosting a surprise birthday party for her this coming Saturday and I…well.. thought of inviting you…if you can’t I totally understand…”

Liz was taken aback by Eric’s sudden invite. ”It’s time to get my life together and this might be a start,”‘ she thought.

“Yes! I would like that.” she answered.

It had been three months since she has slept over at Eric’s after they had met again at some Friday night gathering at a local hotel followed by a late night take-out of fish and chips which they ate back at Eric’s house. It did’t take much persuasion by Eric to suggest she spend the night there.

Liz knew she had missed her period that month which added to her inner angst. “How did that happen?” she thought. She never missed a day without the pill of that she was certain. What she didn’t realize is that some meds won’t let the hormones do their job. Taking them at the same time as the pill may not provide the needed protection, Valium is one such drug that might cause this to happen. Liz had obtained it illegally from her brother and had been taking it to cope with stress and depression. She wasn’t exactly sure of who the father might be.

************

Liz and Eric were driving home from Nadia’s thirtieth birthday party. Nadia was married to Eric’s long time friend, Boris. Eric had had a lot to drink and knew he was over the limit. Liz drove. Neither of them wore seat belts.

She carefully asked him “What do you think of that strange woman you were talking to,” not wanting to convey to him her feelings of doubt.

“You mean Melinda? She’s okay,” replied Eric.

“Only okay? You two seemed to be having a grand time and you left me talking to Boris,” said Liz in an accusatory tone.

“I like Boris. We go way back. He may be a bit nerdy, but he’s been a good friend to me.” retorted Eric.

“He spent the whole time telling me about himself and never once asked me how I was or what I was up to. I kept glancing at you to come and rescue me but you and Melinda were deep in conversation, sitting so close together on the couch. You were laughing a lot. What was so funny?” continued Liz.

“It was nothing really. We found out we had a lot in common. Both of us studied journalism, enjoyed the same music, that sort of thing. You know.”

“No I don’t know, Eric,” She was getting angry “Tell me more.” Inadvertently, the speedometer crept up.

“Liz, I tell you, it was nothing. Maybe we had a little too much to drink and were just enjoying each other’s company.”

Liz gave a wry laugh. “Sure you were. So much so that the Nadia came to asked if I was okay. She said I looked upset.”

The car hit the garbage bin that Eric had put out earlier for garbage collection and came to a stop before hitting the garage door. Liz grabbed her coat, slammed the car door and went into the house. She turned the kettle on noticing the scar on her left wrist, the result of depression. It was itching with anger. Her brother had found her comatose, blood everywhere. The paramedics saved her life. That made her think of the gun hidden in her purse. Her brother wouldn’t miss it now that he was in jail, arrested for pedalling Fentanyl .

Eric staggered into the house, removed his coat, slumped on the couch and a little too loudly said “Bring me some tea, honey.” To Liz, it sounded like a command.

That riled Liz. She stood in front of him. “You know what else I saw. You and Melinda both going to the washroom together. What the hell went on?”

“I’m telling you Liz it was nothing. Its not what you think.”

“Don’t bullshit me Eric. You screwed her, didn’t you!” accused Liz, her anger peaking..

Eric knew she was wrong. Whoever Liz had seen it was not them. Melinda had told him “Eric I have to leave now to fetch my wife the airport.” Melinda must have gone to the washroom before leaving. Eric, on the other hand had gone out to the patio for a smoke.

Boris was there. He told Eric, “You’re a lucky guy having a girlfriend like Liz. We had a great conversation tonight. You’ve know you’ve never had a lasting relationship Eric, flitting from one girl to another. You’re not getting younger. You should think about settling down.”

Eric finished his cigarette and went back inside to fetch Liz who was talking to Nadia. They both stopped when they saw him approaching.

Eric tried to reason with Liz, but she didn’t, or did not want to, hear. He was tired and she went on and on questioning him until he blurted out, “Go to Hell Liz”

“All right then. I will go to Hell, and let me tell you, I’ll take you with me.”

“Don’t be an idiot Liz,” said Eric

That hurt. It was unfair. Eric was gregarious. She had fallen for his charm. He made her forget about her troubles. It didn’t take much for him to persuade her to sleepover with him that night. She had yet to find the courage to tell him that she was pregnant but she wasn’t exactly sure who the fathers is .

She carefully asked him “What do you think of that strange woman you were talking to,” not wanting to convey to him her feelings of doubt.

“You mean Melinda? She’s okay.”

“Only okay? You two seemed to be having a grand time and you left me talking to Boris,” said Liz in an accusatory tone.

“I like Boris. We go way back. He may be a bit nerdy, but he’s been a good friend to me.” retorted Eric.

“He spent the whole time telling me about himself and never once asked me how I was or what I was up to. I kept glancing at you to come and rescue me but you and Melinda were deep in conversation, sitting so close together on the couch. You were laughing a lot. What was so funny?” continued Liz.

“It was nothing really. We found out we had a lot in common. Both of us studied journalism, enjoyed the same music, that sort of thing. You know.”

“No I don’t know, Eric,” She was getting angry “Tell me more.” Inadvertently, the speedometer crept up.

“Liz, I tell you, it was nothing. Maybe we had a little too much to drink and were just enjoying each other’s company.”

Liz gave a wry laugh. “Sure you were. So much so that the Nadia came to asked if I was okay. She said I looked upset.”

The car hit the bin that Eric had put out earlier for garbage collection and came to a stop before hitting the garage door. Liz grabbed her coat, slammed the car door and went into the house. She turned the kettle on noticing the scar on her left wrist, the result of depression. It was itching. Her brother had found her comatose, blood everywhere. The paramedics saved her life. That made her think of the gun hidden in her purse. Her brother wouldn’t miss it now that he was in jail.

Eric staggered into the house, removed his coat, slumped on the couch and a little too loudly said “Bring me some tea, honey.” To Liz, it sounded like a command.

That riled Liz. She stood in front of him. “You know what else I saw. You and Melinda both going to the washroom together. What the hell went on?”

“I’m telling you Liz, it was nothing. Its not what you think.”

“Don’t bullshit me, Eric. You screwed her, didn’t you!” accused Liz, furious with with him.

Eric knew she was wrong. Whoever Liz had seen it was not them. Melinda had told him “Eric I have to leave now to fetch my wife from the airport.” She must have gone to the washroom before leaving. Eric, on the other hand had gone out to the patio for a smoke.

Boris was there. He told Eric, “You’re a lucky guy having a girlfriend like Liz. We had a great conversation tonight. You’ve never had a lasting relationship, you know, Eric, flitting from one girl to another. You’re not getting younger. You should think about settling down.”

Eric finished his cigarette and went back inside to fetch Liz who was talking to Nadia. They both stopped when they saw him approaching.

Eric tried to reason with Liz, but she didn’t, or did not want to, hear. He was tired and she went on and on questioning him until he blurted out, “Go to Hell Liz!”

“All right then. I will go to Hell, and let me tell you, I’ll take you with me.”

“Don’t be an idiot, Liz,” said Eric.

That hurt. It was unfair. Eric was gregarious. She had fallen for his charm. He made her forget about her troubles, It didn’t take much for him to persuade her to sleepover with him that night. She had yet to find the courage to tell him that she was pregnant but she wasn’t exactly sure who is the father.

Liz thought for a moment longer, then grabbed her purse and jacket, left the house slamming the door behind her, climbed back in the car and drove aimlessly for half an hour. Her mother would flip if she went there she thought; her devout ways would be hell. Finally, she decided to spend the night at Josie’s place.

They had previously met at the clinic where Josie worked and she had been instrumental in helping Liz with her depression. “Anytime you need help, you call me.” she had said emphatically. The invitation to the summer barbecue was a deliberate move by Josie to introduce Liz to her circle of friends.

Liz rang the doorbell. After what seemed like ages a disheveled Josie answered the door.

“Sorry to bother you Josie but can I sleep over?”

“Come on in Liz. You don’t have to ask,” Josie knew then that something was up. “Let’s have a coffee and we can talk.” They sat on the couch with a throw blanket over them. “So, what’s up?”

Liz relayed the evening’s events finishing with “…Then he told me to go to Hell!”

“Well this isn’t Hell, honey. Sleep on the couch tonight, then in the morning we can have a relaxed breakfast and talk some more. I’m going back to bed now”

Liz tossed and turned before falling asleep, grateful for Josie’s non-judgmental nature.

The sunlight woke her and she lay still. The previous night’s drama flooded back. “Shit, that wasn’t a dream,” she muttered to herself. She heard noises coming from the kitchen, so she got up and with the throw blanket wrapped around her poked her head around the corner.

Hearing her gasp, Frank turned from attending to the coffee pot. “Hi Liz, Josie told me you were here. Did you get some sleep?”

Embarrassed, she said in a croaky voice “Morning Frank,” If only Josie had told me last night that Frank was here she thought to herself. She knew Josie and Frank had been together awhile, but in her state she had forgotten about him until now.

“Josie’s still sleeping so why don’t you freshen up, have a shower. She’ll be down shortly and by then we will have a breakfast to die for. How do you like your eggs?”

“Scrambled,” came the reply. It described her life she thought; a real mess, depressing. Orphaned at an early age she and her brother had gone through several foster homes ending up in a subsidized housing complex. She knew how her brother found the money to pay for the rent.

They sat in the breakfast nook sipping the last of the coffee. “I’m going for a run so you two have time to catch up,” said Frank having been briefed by Josie that she an Liz needed time alone.

Liz had said very little during their breakfast. That bothered Josie, sensing that Liz was shutting out her world, going back into her shell. Whatever she tried, Liz became more remote.

Suddenly Liz said “I must get the car back to Eric. He said he needed it later today. Thanks for the help Josie.” She left abruptly, leaving Josie with a sense of foreboding.

**********

The next morning a bleary eyed Eric took the overflowing garbage container from the house to dump it in the big one outside ready for collection.

It lay on the ground after being knocked over by Liz’s anger, its contents strewn over the sidewalk. He began picking up the pieces. He stood suddenly, not comprehending what was in his hand. It looked like a thermometer and then it dawned on him “Oh no! It’s a pregnancy test kit and it’s positive,” he said aloud looking at the meter. He knew what had happened. “This is from Liz,” he thought. He would go to the local grocery store, buy some flowers and then try to get hold of Liz and make up for his blunder last night.

The car was in the driveway when he got back. The scuff on the front fender reminded him again of last night. It shouldn’t have happened. “I’m an asshole,” he said aloud. His pulse sped up. He took a deep breath and bounded up the steps to the front door, excited. He knew what he was going to do. Boris’s words of advice came back to him. “I will not avoid a father’s responsibility,” he promised himself. The door was locked. “Hmm, that’s strange,” he thought. He rang the doorbell and called out, “Liz, its me. Eric!”

The door flew open. Liz stood there holding the gun pointed at the floor, tears streaming down her cheeks. She could barely get the words out, “Eric…we…need to talk…there is so much…”

Eric stepped forward, “Hang on Liz I’ve made a terrible mistake. You’re right we should talk.”

‘’But Eric you told me to go to Hell and I told you for God sakes I’m taking you with me. “

‘“I didn’t meant it nor did you Liz. You know that I…

Suddenly Liz collapsed. She was shaking and tears welled up in her eyes and she let go of the gun.

Eric could see she was at the end of her tether. He dropped the bouquet of red roses and rushed forward too support her.

“It’s okay now Liz. Everything will be okay I promise you that.”

**********

Gently Eric supported Liz as they stood looking at down at the gun and red roses lying next to each other on the floor.

The talking would come later.

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