The purge of the ‘Peckers

It was a battle, uphill, endless. The ‘Peckers were incessant, fearless and determined. Every time a hole appeared in the cedar paneling covering the side of the house, Mark would once again haul himself up the extendable ladder with the ‘plug kit’; a tube of brown sealant set in the gun, expandable foam, a section from a branch of suitable width to stabilize the whole repair, a trowel, and exacto knife and anything else that science could offer.

The ‘Pecker is a mean machine, it’s anatomy built for protection against the stress of the jack hammer beak (if only hockey helmets had the same protection). The hole in the cedar was the size of a golf ball. A carpenter could not have done better with a hole-saw.

After ten years Mark was a veteran of these missions. He and Lili had established a routine for the purge of the ‘peckers. It went something like this:

If someone was home the hammering sound sent a scream of “WOODPECKER.” Those present scrambled outside to scare the heck out it. No chance. It looked at the hecklers disdainfully and carried on hammering. Tennis balls hurled at the little fellow missed. The tinsel placed on the cedar had no effect other than to amuse the neighbors. The hosepipe set permanently on ‘jet’ worked but did not prevent the return of the …..They never did get to hanging nets down the side of the house.

It had long been decided that extermination was folly. A multitude of ‘peckers sat, eager to swoop down and do their duty like the Orks in the Return of the King. Besides, the thought of jail for murder of the bird that mocked us was too much.

It would be on a weekend when Mark and Lili had time to gather the ladder and trot it out like seasoned firemen. All that was missing were the sirens. It took immense effort on both their parts to remain civil, sometimes.

The ‘peckers were also acting as agents for chickadees who inhabited any vacant hole. Lili is convinced that this is how the squirrel entered the house (but that is another story). You can see why “plugging” was essential.

As the years went by the neighbors amusement waned. They would wave back to Mark on his high perch. By the time the house got sold close to forty holes were filled. Prospective buyers asked “How is the insulation?”

If only drones were available back then. With even odds the battle would be awesome and royalties from the new Nintendo game welcome.