Slumber Take Two

So Funky Folks as I take to slumber it’s not so easy. You see I had to learn to sleep. I mean it’s so natural. Babies have no problem but perhaps it has something to do with wisdom that comes with age, that there are too many things to think about, like snoring and apnea.

My goodness Funky Folks this snoring thing – a noisy problem. Dangerous too because you could get walloped in the night. That of course will wake you up. I was told it sounded like a thousand chain saws playing Beethoven’s eighth symphony and enough to cut down all the trees in British Columbia putting those poor lumbies outa work.

I saw the witch doctor and after consulting dem bones – he told me what to do. I went to the sleep clinic thinking…problem solved. Oh no no no Funky Folks not the case. The security at the door was tight save for the guard sleeping in the corner head down and snoring . Anyway after the pat-down they let me in and showed me to my room.

Oh luxury, a private room with a shower and what looked like a bedside radio with many knobs and dials. Thought I’d never master setting the alarm on this contraption. I removed the book I had brought along together the headphones and pj’s.

The assistant came in told me to put a gown on and then proceeded to wire me up to the radio thing. I tell you Funky Folks it wasn’t just one wire. Entangled, the assistant told me to lie down, pointed to the camera and said “We’ll be watching you and there is the speaker if you need us”. He turned the lights off and left. I sighed.

I lay there.. and lay there staring at a ceiling I couldn’t see. I closed my eyes thinking that might help. After a few hours of tossing and turning and believe you me they were minuscule tosses and turns. I realized I was cold. The blanket had no thermal capacity whatsoever. I waved to the camera and said rather loudly, “I have to go to the bathroom”. Eventually the assistant appeared wiping the sleep from his eyes. He unhitched me, hitched me again and left. This kind of thing continued through the long night.

At some point I warily dozed off and before I knew it the lights were blazing and the assistant saying, “All done”. Unhitched, I had the quickest shower ever and was outa there pronto. Back home – to sleep, perchance to dream.

I dreamt Funky Folks to never again subject myself to a senseless slumber.

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